the Nonsense in Between

...by my bootstraps

I have fifteen minutes to myself! I wasnt sure what to do with it so i thought i'd post; mostly for the sake of posting since its been so long but partly because I have a lot to say.

Life has been a whirlwind of ups and downs lately -- which, when i think about it, really isnt that different from any other time in my life. I'm trying hard to stay focused on the ups but its been tough. I get the feeling I'm being tested and I'm on the verge of failing. I have a strong aversion to failing so it will likely not happen but it's still too close for comfort.

Summer school is much harder than i anticipated. I have homework every night, and LOTS of it. I need to finish unpacking and get settled into our new place. I need to find a summer job asap to pay for all the expenses of moving into said place. And somewhere in between all the inconveniences of life I must find time to live. This always seems to get pushed to the bottom of the list and its killing me. I wish I could call a time-out but nothing short of throwing in the towel and giving up completely (which, for the faint-of-failure types like myself, is not an option) will end this. So I will wade through the mounds of shit and get to the bottom of that list.

I will find time to live.

ima wreck

with so much drive and no direction its really no surprise.

I have an empty can of Go Fast that says tomorrow morning is going to come too soon

Yep, you guessed it: more from the caffienated mind of me.

Right now, at 2am on a...whatever day it is now, I'm wondering if that leaning sensation i'm experiencing is a side effect of the copious amounts of stimulants flowing through my tired body or the copious amounts of knowledge weighing my head down.

Earlier today i thought i'd completely lost it when i bought 2 cans of go fast and felt a slight discrepancy in size between the two as i walked up to the cashier. in my hands they seemed almost the same size but not quite so to reassure myself that they were infact the same size i checked the ounce-age. Yep, both the same: 11.9. Yet it just didnt seem right and i was back to believing i'd lost my mind until i brought them home and stood them next to eachother. You can see for yourself that they are indeed different sizes. but only just enough to make me think i was insane. though these days it doesnt take much.

Crazy energy drink company trying to mess with my head. Like i needed that today.

Dan, this means i paid money for energy drinks. I paid money to have my sanity tested! I'm coming to your house tomorrow so put your panties on and chill me some energy drinks.

Here's to hanging on to my sanity for one more week!

What's in a dream?

I have been having the most intense dreams lately. I dont know what they mean but i've been waking up in a cold sweat nearly everynight for a week.

Last night i dreamt that Dominic had bought a house and i was to meet him there. I was on foot because i had no car and I was pregnant. I finally find the address and I meet Dominic and the real estate agent in the backyard. I tell them I like the place and i want to see the inside, motioning to the house. They tell me that's not the house the one that's ours is the one behind it. Then they point up and i see three small houses up on some kind of stilts, one on top of the other. There arent stairs leading up, instead, there are narrow little ladders. I nearly faint from the thought of climbing up there but I dont tell Dominic because I know it would break his heart. The agent and Dominic start telling me all the wonderful perks of this little "gem" as they called it. And i couldnt hear what they were saying because I was having an anxiety attack about having to climb the ladder. I tried to psych myself up, after all this was our house, but i just couldnt see how i was going to climb up the ladder with my giant pregnant belly. Just then a series of comets break through the atmosphere and i wake up. I never did climb the ladder.

not the weirdest dream i've ever had. just weird.

weekend recap

Saw Saves the Day friday night and we're sad to report it was a little disappointing. Okay, it was alot disappointing. We got to the show at 8, apparently we'd missed the first band already and the second band was setting up. To our surprise the second band was Saves the Day. Just like that, no warning, no warm up. They played the shortest set ever and were off the stage by 8:45. We enjoyed the few songs they played but are a little sad about the quickie. Hopefully they'll make up for it the next time around.

Here are a few pictures from Friday night. Something's wrong with the wastedbrains gallery so I could only upload a few.

Yesterday, we joined our friends Jessica and April in celebrating their new pad. We christened their new place properly and they're probably nursing hangovers and cleaning sticky floors today.

acceptable

why is it totally acceptable to use gas station restrooms when you're on a road trip but not if you're just driving across town?

Ellipse... or is it Elipse?

Life comes to you when Life is not bothering you.

So is it open ended or revolving?

Question

What would happen to the city's nighttime skyline if energy conservationists owned skyscrapers?

Losing My Religion

I think I was fifteen when it happened. I remember it well. I was sitting in church, something I did by choice twice a week. So, I was sitting there taking notes, hanging on to the words of the pastor — like a good little Christian — as I absent mindedly started doodling on the page. The kid next to me, who I'd borrowed the pen from, whispered "could you not waste the ink in that pen, it's an expensive pen." His words irritated me so deeply that I was suddenly ripped from my hypnotic state. A state, that until this moment, was all I had ever known. It felt like I imagine it would feel if you were tripping on acid with 400 people and instantly became the only sober person in sight.

I looked around the room and I knew that I was the only person thinking clearly. My focus returned to the pastor and suddenly I couldnt hear the words he was saying. Sounds were coming out of his mouth but each one blended into the next and became a meaningless stream. I looked around again to see if anyone else had noticed this too. They hadn't. I was all alone.

Alone and sober, I posed a question to myself that, in a strange way, became my salvation. I thought: "words? what are words? what meaning do they have but that which we give them?". In that moment it all became so clear I couldnt believe I'd bought in for so long. But the years of religious dogma tought me to rebuke these types of thoughts. Try as I might, religion had lost its luster. In the span of fifteen minutes fifteen years of indoctrination left me.

In the years that followed bits of religion lingered and every once in a while I'd entertain the idea. Never again have I been able to indiscriminately take in religious canon.

Thank you, Clay, for letting me borrow your pen. It wasnt until today that i realized the true value of that expensive pen.

Mid-term update

Well it's officially fall and soon the last leaf will dry up and take a piece of my soul with it. My body yearns for a little more summer but I think its time to concede.

On a good note school is going well. I've taken three out of four midterm exams and aced all three! Normally I dont gloat about acing tests but my Sociology exam nearly ended me. Partly because I dont enjoy my instructor (that's the nice way of putting it) and mostly because she purposely made the test incredibly difficult. I'm proud to be one of the few to say "nana nana boo boo" by getting an A on her test.

Today I'm missing my favorite class: Cultural Anthropology, to stay home and nurse a cold. Last friday I spent the day in Maggie's kindergarten class or rather her kindergarten germ factory. I love those kids but i think a good 70 percent of them were wiping their runny noses with their bare hands and then putting it on me. Still they stole my heart and I cant wait to go back, hopefully with a stronger immune system.

Now, I'm going back to the couch to consume copious amounts of hot tea and echinacea.

Bachelorette Party

Where: August 31st
Time: 9:00 pm
Place: El Chapultepec
Hosted By: Penny and Jessica
RSVP: just be on time, who knows where we will go next!!

July 16th

it's been 10 days since i posted.
exactly 7 weeks to the wedding.
only 6 weekends left to procrastinate, stress, finish landscaping and planning.
i've been 24 for 13 days.
got a raise.
had the best sunday ever.
created a clothing company with my fiance.
got homesick.
held hands.
stayed up late.
slept in.
fell in love all over again.

From Roswell

I ran into this song on myspace called "From Roswell". Go to Brandon's Myspace and have a listen. I know, at first it made me laugh too but something pulled me back and I'm glad it did. I listened to it several times. Each time I extracted something more, actually, it brought something out in me.
I thought Roswell and I had grown apart but it's something I cant escape. She'll always be with me, She's where my memories are that's why I pay respect.. All of my repressed memories of this place came rushing back when i listened to this song. I've decided to start writing about them here as a form of respect and probably a little therapy. Enjoy...

Dad’s Demons

Father’s Day just passed. I actually got my dad a card. I know it sounds harsh but I my whole life I resented my dad for the things he had done and not done. After I moved away from home our relationship improved but it wasn’t until last December that I was finally able to forgive him for his transgressions and see him in a new light.

I’d always known that I was an “accident”. My parents were young and unmarried. Mom was seventeen. Dad twenty-one. My mom accepted her fate as a young mother. She was fortunate to have been brought up in a very nurturing home and provided the same for me. My dad on the other hand was raised in…well he wasn’t really raised at all. He was born to a woman who has no motherly instinct, no nurturing capabilities and is pretty much a menace to society. Having no father and a mother who was anything but were the weak foundation for his upbringing.

My dad was the oldest of six, wait make that seven, I just found out he had another brother that was given up for adoption. With five fatherless and virtually motherless younger siblings in the house he took on the responsibility of raising them. And in the meantime put up with a lot of abuse from the various men his mother brought into the house. By the age of twenty-one my dad was through raising kids. He had graduated high school, an accomplishment few members of his family ever completed, and had even begun taking classes at the community college. Then he met my mom. The accident happened and they named her Nicole.

As a child I couldn’t rationalize his behavior. All I knew is that he was an intelligent man so why couldn’t he just do what was right? He became an alcoholic and an irresponsible father. As an adult I can be thankful that he always had one foot, or sometimes just a toe, in reality that kept our family afloat but what I needed as a child was to be able to trust my father.

Hottest girl in the world?

Well I'm certainly not the most graceful girl in the world but I'll take my new internet status to help build my self esteem back up. I'm not quite sure how or why google image search is finding my picture with "hottest girl in the world" but its kinda cool. I think it makes me quasi-internet famous. On that, the hottest girl gallery has gotten about 6000 hits.

I wonder how much money I could make if I put up naked pictures? (Dan, I'm kidding. Stop calculating.)

Bloggity Blog Blog Blog

When I started my blog a year ago I figured it was a just teeny uninteresting spec on the world wide web and in order for anyone to find I would have to give them the exact coordinates. It has been a great pleasure to discover otherwise. While my blog hasn't gained the status of others it gets found every now and then (I'm sure Dan has the stats). Recently, my little blog has gained a bit of notoriety at my work. It seems it was searchable by some keywords (Dan, I know) gaining me some new readers. Being the super intelligent blogger that I am I've been sure never write things I wouldn't want people to read - this is a public forum and to do so would be stupid. So I'd like to welcome my new readers, however loyal they may be, to my little spec.

Status: Married

Dominic and I are "married" as of this afternoon. Let me explain...
Today I was at the insurance agent's office having Mia and Frank's (those are our cars' names) insurance combined. In the process, the agent and I made some small talk when the subject of marriage came up. I told him that we're getting married in September. His eyes lit up and he asked: "have you lived together for more than a year?" yes "have bills/accounts in both names?" yes/yes. Then he explained that under those circumstances alone the state of Colorado will recognize us as married if we choose to accept that status. He also explained that changing our status to "married" on the insurance application would reduce our rate significantly. You can call us Mr. and Mrs. Filosa now. But dont worry we'll still have a wedding and with all the money we're saving on insurance maybe we can even afford to serve our guests food.

Latina Pride

In the office at work:

The Asian asks the Mexican, "Where can I get some information about Origami?"
The Mexican to the Asian, "Um, shouldnt you be asking yourself that question? I know about beans you know Asian stuff."
They both turn to me, I point at myself and say, "Enchiladas."
We all turn to the Black girl and she says, "Collard Greens."
The four of us turn to the white girl, her response: a shoulder shrug.

Seller's Remorse

The 240 is gone, we're 2200 dollars richer, but why am I feeling bad? The first deal I wrote about on MLK day fell through. That guy wanted to ship the car to his little brother in Texas who's always wanted a 240. After he researched the shipping costs he decided to renege. The first guy new alot about the car and he even intimidated me a little. He gave me reasons for why my car wasnt worth what I was asking, he explained this is going to cost this and so on devaluing the car by hundreds. So when we made the deal on Monday we settled on $1950. When the guy called to back out he explained to me that the car is definitely worth more than $1950. I guess he felt a little guilty for his earlier behavior so he gave me advice and told me not to let it go for less than $2100.

With that in mind I was ready to sell my car again, only this time I was more confident in the value of my car and wasnt going to be talked down. Last night we showed the car to the second person, only this guy was not a 240 enthusiast; just a guy looking for a car. The guy knew nothing about cars, NOTHING. The 240 is an automatic but the guy put it into second gear and left it there. I watch the RPMs go up and up the car getting louder I finally speak up, "um, you have the car in second gear". He says "I know." Then he tells us that he thought second gear is for city driving. Um, What?! Dominic and I have to tell him he's very wrong and not to ever do that again, just leave it in drive. We also had to explain that the 240 was designed for drifting and not for driving in the snow. This is a rearwheel drive car with no weight in the back which makes it unstable in the snow. I think we gave this guy more information than we were required to but we wanted to make sure he understood. We scared the crap out of his girlfriend and she didnt want him to take the car but it was his money and he really liked the 240. So we exchanged money, keys and paperwork. She's now in the hands of man who doesnt know anything about cars. 240 enthusiasts around the world would cringe at the thought.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I had to sell the car, the guy had the cash, it was an honest deal. She would've had a great life in the hands of a 240 lover, she would've loved an SR20, but she will die a stock 240. Her new owner will like her because she's pretty and she gets him from point a to point b. Its a mediocre life for a 240 but she'll be okay.

Update

Sorry I'm so terrible at posting but here's what's been going on...

As Career Development Coordinator, my first big job was to put together a career fair for the entire school. I was nervous as I'd never done anything like it before but it turned out better than anyone thought it could. Close to 200 people were there and everyone had great things to say. My old boss was there too, and it was a mighty good feeling to have him see how successful I am. In your face, Jim P.!

I'm selling the 240, finally! Craigslist proved to be a great place to advertise- less than 2 hours after posting the ad we had 3 inquiries. We also paid to post it on AutoTrader but that wont even show up for 24 hours. The car might be sold before autotrader even posts it.

We're moving, again. On Saturday the 21st Dominic and I are moving to south Denver. We know no one likes moving but we need all the help we can get so if you're free and you love us please lend us a hand.

A christmas story to melt your cold little consumer hearts

Two weeks before christmas I was totally caught off guard at work when I was handed a name to buy a "secret santa" gift for. I was really pissed that the owner of the company just assumed everyone wanted to play this stupid game. It was too late to say anything to him at this point since it would screw everything up if I took myself out. So I stayed quiet and played the game.

The day we exchanged gifts my secret santa (a super sweet, but naive grandma) came up to me and handed me a book. She nervously explained that she'd heard that I dont celebrate christmas. She said "i didnt know what to give you, I didnt know if 'christ' offends you so I didnt include a christmas card." At the time I didnt have time to explain myself and I got the impression she thought I was the anti-christ. Later, I opened the book and was pleasantly surprised to find that the book was not just another empty secret santa gift. It was however a vessel for the real gift. Inside, was a sheet of paper about the Brent Eley Foundation at the bottom she wrote a note explaining that she donated to this charity in my name. I met up with her later and thanked her for the best gift I've ever recieved. At this time I got the opportunity to explain why I dont celebrate christmas and explained that if every christmas gift was as unselfish and generous as this one I'd be christmas's biggest proponent. She thanked me for teaching her a wonderful lesson and told me she now has a new christmas tradition!

That's one down and about 6 billion to go.

It's not a tumor

Several years ago my parents sat my brother and I down and explained that the Ruiz family would no longer partake in christmas traditions. No more tree, no presents, no lights, tinsel or other meaningless things would fill our home come december. My first reaction as a spoiled american kid was that my parents were cheap and I was angry. Truth be told my parents were poor and axing the christmas crap was mostly a financial decision that doubled as a life lesson.

The first couple of non-christmases I felt slighted and I let my parents know. In conversations with my mom she challenged me to find reasons why we should celebrate christmas. I gave it alot of thought and I'd come to her with reasons like "its good to give". She'd snap back with an objection like "so give, give with meaning, give all year long, but don't give for the sake of giving and certainly not with the expectation of recieving". She was right. The energy surrounding Christmas wasn't the spirit of giving but the burden and urgency of buying gifts.

In my adult life I have made the choice not to parttake in this consumer driven holiday. But explaining to people that I don't celebrate christmas is like telling people I like to eat babies for lunch. They gasp, whisper behind my back, call me names. Call me Scrooge but when you're wasting time in the return line returning the scratchy sweater aunt Sue sent you I'll be busy appreciating my next breath.

Sweet and Sour Turkey

Dominic and I are back from our bittersweet journey through New Mexico. Before we even left I felt a heaviness building in my heart for what I knew was going to be a difficult visit. With everything going on with my grandfather thanksgiving wasn't going to be the big family tradition it used to be. Lost family traditions aside my hometown (Roswell) is just depressing. Drug and alcohol abuse are high, unemployment-high, poverty-high, teen pregnancy-high, crimerate-high... On our visit I found out meth addiction afflicts people in my family as well as a close friend's family. No one's going anywhere and many seem to be doing worse than they were a year ago. With all that said the simplicity and love that fills my parents' house gave me the sense of home I yearned for. On thanksgiving Dominic helped my dad, or mostly kept my dad from helping, fry a turkey in the beautiful 78 degree weather. So, not to lose all tradition we consumed a million calories, napped, and consumed more. Overall Roswell sucks but a visit with my family was much needed.

In Albuquerque Sean and Penny helped us rinse down the bitter aftertaste of Roswell with lots of booze. Good times were certainly had by all and when I find out how to post videos (dan help) you will see what i mean. Hanging out in Albuquerque makes me wish I could have my cake and eat it too. Why can't I take all the people I love with me where ever I go? And why isn't there a Dion's, Los Cuates, or Dos Hermanos in Denver? But most importantly, why isnt there a Sean and Penny here? Sean and Penny, thank you for your hospitality and reminding me why i miss you guys so much.
I also want to thank Trent for meeting up with us for lunch. It was good to see you so happy with Tonya.

Go to the gallery to see pictures from our trip.

Something Different, Something Fun

My new job is mostly lame partly because I'm way overqualified but mostly because it's a retail job. This week I had the opportunity to be a part of something cool. Many of you know that I am a "makeup artist". Whatever that means I'm not too sure. What I do know is that when I get to tap into my makeup artist skills, especially for something cool, it satisfies me and leaves me smiling. This week a photography student from the Art Institute called up [my company] looking for help. She needed someone to do hair and makeup for a model she was going to photograph. I jumped at the chance to do something different. If one day I decide to make money from this talent I can use these photographs in my own portfolio. Or maybe Jenny (that's the photographer's name) will hire me when she gets famous.
Good luck with your photography, Jenny. Don't forget about me when you're famous!

Go here to see the pictures.

Also you can check out Sugar Photography on myspace.

I'm Alive

Sorry, I've been too busy (or is it too lazy?) to post lately.
I started my new job this week at my new company.

Halloween was fun, although, not as fun as last year. Infact, I think last halloween might be hard to beat.

I have a ton of pictures I will put up in the gallery someday soon.

that's all I have for now. okay, bye.

awkward goodbyes

Today was my last day at work. It's been sort of a bitter-sweet experience. Sweet because my boss(es) are cruel morons who don't deserve my time, good riddance to them. But the sadness comes from the accounts I've spent so much time with over the last year. It was really hard to break the news to them and a couple of them almost made me cry. All were supportive of my decision and said they'd do the same in my situation. One account even said they're going to call my boss and let him know what a "talented employee" he's losing. They all offered me a job in their salons which I thought was a nice compliment. Knowing that someone thinks I'm talented makes me happy even if he didnt.

The awkward-est goodbye of all was at my exit interview. The woman who got me the position wanted to meet with me. We had been close in the beginning but then she became this hardened corporate asshole who only looked out for herself. She recently did something really shitty to me, to use one of her favorite terms, she "threw me under the bus". We both knew what she had done to me so there was a bit of tension in our meeting. She's not one to show emotion so I was quite shocked when she got all choked up talking to me. She apologized for "letting me down" and said she wished she could have done more to keep me. Then she told me this: "i knew you weren't going to want Wyoming and if I'd've really thought about it when we changed the territories I would have given you denver and [the other girl] the northern territory, but i guess hindsight is 20/20" WTF? So I could have had Denver if she thought about it?!
Well the course is set now there's no going back. I guess I could have gone without hearing that but at least I know that she knows I was worth keeping and she's stupid for losing me.

So goodbye Job it has been a great learning experience. but where am i going to get my aveda fix now?

Back from the Dead

I couldn't believe my eyes when I read Alien Ant Farm was putting on a show at the Bluebird. I hadn't heard anything of the band since their bus accident back in 2002.
It was a terrible accident in which the driver was killed, everyone suffered injuries, and the lead singer had serious back/neck injuries that took him out for a very long time. This terrible tragedy struck when the band was in their prime taking them out of the scene and off the charts. Dismissed as one hit wonders they were forgotten by many. I remained a fan and awaited their return. Last night the wait ended and I must say the wait was worth it.

Anticipating a sold out show, we got there extra early and were surprised to see there were no fans lined up. As much as I dislike sold out shows it broke my heart to discover that AAF's fans had forgotten about them. They put on a great show to the 75 fans who were there. When I say great I mean GREAT! It was a blessing to see these guys live, each one of them is an incredible musician. They performed one song written about the recovery period and I wanted to cry. So many bands really are one hit wonders, riding the short little wave, then disappearing forever. I hope that AAF can catch another wave and ride it for a long time to come.

Alien Ant Farm, I wish you the very best and at the very least thank you.

Who's house? Dan's house!

It's monday morning and I'm reminiscing about my weekend so I thought I'd share.
Dominic and I spent Friday night at Dan's and as tradition would have it we drank way more than planned and had a damn good time doing it. Dave showed up and didn't drink at all I'm sure he told me there was a reason but my memories of the evening are vague. I do remember playing bumper pool and I believe I was on a winning team once or twice. Sadly, I can still recall the flavor of the cider Dan shared with us. A warning for you cider drinkers: never drink Scrumpy's Cider, it tastes like bacon flavored fish juice. After drinking at Dan's place we strolled over to a bar I've been to many times but can never remember the name of. There we bowled and stuck out like sore thumbs in the sea of overdressed, horny, desperate singles. Well Dan and Dave blended in just fine (hehe). After the bar we went back to Dan's where I was content with my current state of intoxication but Dan wouldn't have it. We drank more and played some poker. When I woke up I found something like $17 in my bra and pockets.

Dan, as always, thanks for the good time, good drinks, and fuzzy memories. We should do it again sooner than later.

See pictures from the evening here.

Spitalfield Show

Last night was so much fun! It started when Dominic and I headed down to Rock Island for a show. We weren't expecting much more than having a regular good time. Even that hope started dwindling when the line to the show wrapped around the block with 13-16 year olds. Luckily we made it in and headed straight for the bar. At first we were the only two people in the bar then there were a few more. We started talking to the other guys and it turns out they're all with the bands. A couple of tour managers, lead singer for Hidden in Plain View, the drummer and the bassist for Spitalfield. I was impressed by Hidden in Plain View's lead singer Joe as he humbly spoke with us about music and stealing (downloading) it. He's a really down to earth guy with a small ego. Most of the night we hung out with Mike, tour manager for Spitalfield. He was also down to earth and very conversational. He gave us a couple of CD's and in return I will hook him up with his favorite Aveda products. We also met a very nice couple from Chicago who knew the bands. Drew and Maggie just moved to Denver and are looking for friends so hopefully we will be hanging out with them soon.

The night was amazing, the bands put on an awesome show, and all the new people we met were great.

I leave you with the pictures of the fun night you missed out on...

insomnia

i counted to one hundred out of order. as randomly as i could count there was always a pattern. stupid patterns. stupid connections. stupid synapses. stupid brain.

I'm Spent

I need a vacation. Or at the very least a good night's rest.

Company Funeral

The last time my entire company was together was in celebration and with good spirits. Tomorrow we will join with great sadness to say goodbye to a coworker. My heart breaks for this man I knew only briefly and especially for the family and friends he left behind.
You never know what lies beneath a smile.

May your soul find peace, Regan.