a windblown left side

reality check

So I haven't posted in a bit. To be honest, I haven't been in much of a posting mood, because the last few days have not been so fun. I got pulled over (again), this time in Kansas. The ticket is for doing 85 in a 70. As a result, I've been blindingly mad at myself for about 3 days and felt sick to my stomach for just as long.

Over the past few days, I imagined my summer plans crashing and burning before my eyes, as well as my senior year. That's because for a long time I didn't know if my license was going to be suspended or for how long. Of course that would mean no more summer trip plus I would have to have people drive me around for anything I needed next year. Nothing is for absolutely sure right now, but the current situation looks like my license is not going to be suspended, but my financial situation will be in trouble after paying the ticket plus higher insurance rates for who-knows how long.

This was definitely a case of "oh, it won't happen to me." Even after my horrible experience with my ticket last year, I didn't learn. It's so scary - the reality of life is that you can ruin so much hard work and planning with a single mistake. You can work hard for years in college and then cheat in a moment of desperation and get an F or worse. You can not drink and drive your whole life and then have one too many and hit someone. I was lucky because my mistake was much less serious, but it still scares me. I almost destroyed my summer road trip, something I have been planning and working on for months and months. I almost lost a chance to see my friends and my girlfriend.

Why? Why was I speeding so much? The reasons are stupid, which makes me even more mad. First of all - it's absolutely no one's fault but mine. End of story. I'm the one who went too fast.

But I think part of the reason that I speed is that I didn't think for myself. A lot of my friends speed, as dumb as this is, I didn't want to be the slowpoke, I didn't want to be the wuss. I liked the feeling of getting places faster than others, of taking risks. I wanted to speed more than my girlfriend does. I don't believe that laws determine what's right and wrong, and so in a way, I thought they didn't apply to me. That's dumb. You can be as careful as you want, but when you break the law, you have to accept that you may be caught at some point. And accept that as part of your actions.

So I guess the point is that I screwed up and almost lost everything that made this summer worth everything I gave up for it (i.e. the experience, money, and recommendations a good job hopefully would have given me). One more moving violation - anything at all, and it's over, my license is suspended. So for at least a very very very long time, I'm driving like I'm taking my driver's test. No speeding, no rolling through stops signs, nothing. NOTHING. I agree that it's highly improbable that I will get a ticket for doing 5 over. That's not the point. The point is that it's POSSIBLE, and at this point, it's not worth the risk. As a result of this decision, I strongly suggest that no one drive with me, because riding in my car will give most people an aneurysm within 5 minutes, including me. I personally hate driving at this point. This also goes for anyone wanting me to follow them anywhere - expect to go exactly the legal speed limit or below. If that's not cool with you, find someone else to drive. Don't ask me to break any laws, no matter how minor. It's not worth it. I'm really sorry to everyone out there for making everything so difficult.

I have always said that worrying and regretting are total wastes of time. Worrying about something doesn't help, instead, I should be trying to solve the problem. That's what I tried to do with this ticket - I tried to ignore my feelings about it when I got it, I just started evaluating my options and figuring out the best solution. Now that the best solution is more or less coming together (it's still not that great, but at least I will almost certainly finish out my trip - thank God) all that worrying, anger, and shame is coming back. I try to feel the same way about regrets - I believe it's useless to regret anything (you can't change anything), instead I think I should learn from the experience and move on. Yeah. It's easy to say that, it's hard to actually not worry till I make myself sick and regret until I lose myself in the mistakes of the past.

Posted by Ben at June 25, 2003 12:12 PM